To Live Together (While Dating) Or Not?

BY BART SMITH, AUTHOR OF B.S. THE BOOK

That is the question isn’t it? What’s the best answer? Well, it depends. I know, that’s not really an answer, but here goes … Realistically, it’s only best to live together if you have plans to marry the other person and have set the actual date to be married. Wow, that’s not really the answer you were looking for was it? Well, consider the following:

• Living together never proves to the two of you (in a relationship) whether you have "what it takes" to be married. Marriage is based on the maturity of a relationship and a lifelong commitment between two people attracted to each other out of the deepest love and devotion for one another and the desire to spend the rest of your life with the other person. So, you marry and move in together! Wow, talk about heaven "ever after!"
• Now ladies, know this (while dating) … your man either loves you or he doesn’t. "Playing house" together won’t make him love you any more or even "want" to marry you. It might? But, don’t count on it. In fact, not living with him can make him want to marry you "more" because he’s not seeing enough of you and wants you close to him for life! "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," remember? My advice would be for you not to move in with a man if you both have not discussed marriage or he has no intentions on marrying you. Why provide him with the "conveniences" of marriage without the responsibilities or commitment of marriage? If you do, why should he bother to marry you?
• When considering cohabitating together, ladies should remember, you are at the greater risk for "on-going" responsibilities. (Think "child!") Read between the lines on that one.
• Just living together isn’t the same as committing yourselves to each other for life through marriage, i.e., "… for better or for worse; in sickness and in health; in sadness and in joy; to love and to cherish; till death do you part." Without that commitment in place, if just one thing goes wrong in the relationship, either one of you could be looking at the door and facing the surprise heart attack of a breakup while living together. Why is that? Living together, without the contract of marriage (i.e., lifelong commitment between two hearts) opens the door for that age old dating excuse, "Well, this just isn’t working out, so either you leave or I will …"
• What if things don’t work out and the two of you unfortunately have to break up while living together, what happens then? Wow, get ready for double trouble! If you thought breaking up was hard to do? Try living with someone and then breaking up! Rental agreements, utility bills, "You owe me money," "No I don’t, get out!" Yikes! Where do two people living together (who want to break up) go to get away from the other person? The living room? The kitchen? They can’t! They’re both stuck under the same roof "living together!" Here’s where sleepless nights come in and the hard times break loose!
• Usually when two people break up, it’s pretty emotional. It’s a rare occasion when two people can part amicably and without spite. Typically, these two can’t stand one another and would just rather disappear out of each other’s lives with as little in their way (to do so) as possible.
• But, you chose to live together. Now, you have bills to pay and names to remove from rental agreements, utility bills and thelike. Who’s going to trust whom to pay the bills and sign release papers in time for a new roommate? Then, there’s his stuff and her stuff. Whose stuff is it? Who stays and who goes! It can really be a nightmare, and often times it is. Sad, but true.
• The most "realistic" advice would be to live separately while you date and develop your relationship over time while living separately. Sure, you can sleep over, stay late, spend the weekend (his place or hers) … just don’t move in together (at least not yet). Save that moment in time as a "gift" for committing to the one you love and wish to spend your life with.
• Remember ladies, the more you keep yourself apart from him, the more he’ll want you, desire you, and the greater your chances that one day he’ll ask you to marry him. Gee, see how simple that works? J "Absence makes the heart grow fonder!" Every time! And, guys? Same thing, save yourself from heartache and trouble. Live separately from your gal until you’re both ready to make the commitment, lifelong.
• Pretty simple philosophy, but what if you need a roommate and you need to share the rent with someone? What’s that? Your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is looking for a roommate? Why not move in together? Makes sense, doesn’t it? Well, then here’s what you might do … Get a two-bedroom unit together. Insist that each of you have your own room. This way you really "live like roommates." Also, consider having just one person take responsibility for the bills. Typically, this goes to the person who makes the most money or who was living in the unit fi rst. And it goes without saying; just don’t move in with someone because you’re fond of him or her (while dating). Review the other person’s rental history (whose moving in). Just because people are in love doesn’t mean they pay their bills on time. In fact, some people like to take advantage of the other person in situations like this. (Yeah, do you smell B.S.?) "You love me don’t you? Can I borrow some money? Will you pay my share of the rent just one more month? I promise to get a job (next month) … I love you!" Not!
• If you’re just dating, you have a strict obligation to protect your personal credit history with your landlord and the utility companies. What’s that old saying? "Trust no one, suspect everyone?" Where have I heard that before? Sad, but true. Unless there’s a solid "commitment" involved (like marriage), "trust no one, suspect everyone." Living together, as described above, if that’s what you choose to do while dating, should at least help guard against the unthinkable (i.e., separation "on the books"). With just one person’s name on all the bills, the other person can slip out easily and with little communication to the remaining party avoiding headache and after-the-fact communication.
• Protect the two of you and your hearts. Live separately while you date. Move in when you plan to get married. Pretty simple, but that’s life.